


I had worn myself out (digging through my own thoughts)

by AudreyRoscoe



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, B Me Video, Basketball, Film Major Felix, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Hyunho and their fall out, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Motorcycles, Music Major Chan and Changbin, Photographer Seungmin, Questioning Changbin, References to Depression, Relationship Discussions, Relationships will be added, Seungmin and Felix try to fix it, Sexual Content, There's no cheating don't worry, mentions of child abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:34:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27102040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AudreyRoscoe/pseuds/AudreyRoscoe
Summary: B Me AUWeeks after Minho and Hyunjin's fall out, Felix and Seungmin desperately try to get their group back together. While everyone tries fo figure out what split them apart in the first place, each member struggles with their own feelings and secrets.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 15
Kudos: 36





	1. Fall Out

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooo my dears!  
> I'm still sad we didn't get a B Me video (yet?), so here's my attempt at making myself (and maybe some of you) less sad.  
> I'm basing it off of my own theories and hope you will like the first chapter! <3  
> The upload schedule should be once a week, I will do my best to stick to it.
> 
> Thanks to @alittlesen0ugh for betaing!
> 
> Please mind the tags and tell me if there's anything I need to add!
> 
> Enjoy <3
> 
> [Teaser Video](https://twitter.com/AudreyRoscoe/status/1318189941126516737?s=19)

Felix is late. He keeps scolding himself for it while he runs, the soles of his worn shoes beating down on the wet asphalt and drowning out his voice. It’s ridiculous how out of breath he is, but maybe those are the consequences of quitting basketball with his friends and skipping his dance classes too.

He arrives ten minutes past the time Seungmin and he agreed on, his clothes hanging uncomfortably heavy on his body, drenched in rainwater.

Seungmin just raises an eyebrow at him.

“I missed the subway. And the bus was late too, so I decided to walk and then there was a fucking downpour,” Felix tries to explain and sets his bag down, watching Seungmin close his textbooks and the notebook he had scribbled in.

Lately it seems like that’s all his friend is doing – studying and waiting for the both of them to form some new plan on how to get their group back together.

“So, I was thinking. The game’s next week, right? Do you think we can convince everyone to go separately and then force them to sit together?”

The plan sounds ridiculous and childish to his own ears, but it’s all Felix has been able to come up with.

Ever since their big fall out, their group hasn’t been talking. It had started with Hyunjin and Minho, as it always did. He’d known that the two of them had never been the closest, but ever since their fight about that girl they both liked, it felt as though they had actually gone straight back to hating each other. Which was weird, considering that after their group had formed around Chan and the two of them had started talking more and hanging out, Minho and Hyunjin had seemed to get along just fine.

None of them know what happened those few weeks ago, if they really were petty enough to destroy months of friendship over their mutual crush. Felix and Seungmin both agreed that it couldn’t be the root of the problem and had tried to fix it and get them to talk to each other again, watching their friend group slowly crumble under the weight of their growing dislike. Eventually, they had fully split and barely any of them still talked on a regular basis. 

“You know that what you are trying to do will be completely obvious, right?” Seungmin asks him, now perched over his camera. It’s an older one, but Seungmin has been cherishing it deeply, taking pictures whenever he finds the time to and printing the results regularly. Felix and him had met at his place not too long ago and the display of memories plastered all over the boy’s bedroom walls had made Felix’ eyes sting. He doesn’t know how they all let themselves fall apart like this.

“I know,” he smiles weakly. “But it’s not like we have a better plan.”

-

Jisung knows he’s playing a dangerous game when he flicks Minho’s forehead for the fifth time that evening, but he really, really just wants some attention. His online class bores him and he finished the pack of gummy worms about half an hour ago. Naturally, all that’s left to do is annoying his kind-of-boyfriend into kissing him some more.

Minho, to his dismay, doesn’t give him that satisfaction though. He has been drifting in and out of sleep for an hour now, the textbook forgotten on his stomach. All Jisung gets are little puffs of air escaping his mouth and the occasional slow blink of his eyes, before he closes them again. There’s nothing new about Minho being tired, but lately the bags under his eyes have tripled in size and Jisung would ask Felix about his extensive skin care routine for him if he wasn’t so worried. It’s what makes him stop annoying Minho and instead rub his fingers under his eyes, the thin skin, as if he could somehow erase the almost purple marks with it. He lets his other hand wander into Minho’s hair, softly scratching his scalp.

It’s getting dark outside and Jisung knows that he should let Minho go home and catch an actual night of rest instead of letting him nap here, but he also knows that his home plays a big role in why he looks so exhausted in the first place. He has talked to him about moving into the dorms before, several times, but Minho’s parents live close by and aren’t able to pay for a room anyway. It’s why Minho himself had picked up a job near campus a few weeks ago, at a shitty coffee shop with horrible opening hours, leaving him even more exhausted and irritable. 

“Do you want to have dinner with me?” he asks instead, playing with the brown strands, which have gotten longer than usual. Maybe he will let Jisung give him a trim later. 

Instead of an answer, he gets a groan and bones popping, Minho stretching all of his limbs like the cat he is. He blinks a few times, eyes trying to focus in the dim light of the room. It makes Jisung’s insides feel gooey, watching him tapping around, gathering his shirt and grabbing sweatpants that aren’t his own. 

“Is that a yes?” he asks eagerly, stealing Minho’s shirt as revenge and pulling it on, wandering into the kitchen to start on a shitty ramen dinner. 

He feels arms wrap around him and a cold nose digging into his neck and counts that as an answer.

-

Jeongin feels incredibly tempted to give that weird, ugly machine a big kick, wondering if it would actually crumple apart right in front of his eyes if he did. He’s freezing his butt off, the weather quickly having grown from “golden October” to “grey-and-stormy-clusterfuck”. He squints up at the sky, watching the gathering rain clouds and sighs.

“Do you really think this is a good time to drive that thing?”

Hyunjin gives him an annoyed look, lifting one of his long legs to sit down properly on the motorcycle. Before, he had just been posing in front of it, letting Jeongin take a few aesthetic shots of him in front of the backdrop of the city and the apocalyptic kind of weather. It makes something weird stir in his stomach, an uneasy feeling that he can’t quite shake. 

“I didn’t spend this much time and my savings on the license to not pull through with it,” he huffs, putting the helmet on and revving up the engine. 

It feels strange, seeing him like this. Jeongin knows that the last few months have been hard on all of them and that whatever the hell had happened between Hyunjin and Minho must have been bad enough to kickstart all of it, but he hadn’t expected a whole transformation. Like they were in one of these bad blockbusters his dad likes to watch when he drank himself into a stupor again. 

He wonders how long each of them will actually go without knowing what happened, can’t believe Hyunjin didn’t even tell  _ him. _ If any of the others know the story, they’re obviously deeming it bad enough to not even try fixing anything. It makes him sad, thinking that there isn’t much hope to restore the group, no matter how much Seungmin and Felix are trying to come up with plans. They had texted him their newest one, something about a game they want to attend and ask everyone to come. It’s pointless, Jeongin knows, but he will still be there. There’s too much in him clinging on to all of them not to.

He raises his camera again and snaps a few pictures, watches Hyunjin’s freshly bleached blond and grown out hair snap in the wind. As soon as he lowers it, the boy takes off, leaving 

-

It’s only when his phone pings with a notification for the fourth time that Chan pulls the headphones from his ears, suppressing the annoyed groan. Changbin looks at him, his eyebrow raised, “Are you cheating on me with someone?” 

“Idiot,” he mumbles, sticking his tongue out at the thought of dating Changbin. They’ve known each other since elementary school and the most romantic gesture he had ever done for him was surprising him with a Munchlax cake and a self-designed copy of their mixtape on his 18th birthday, asking him to keep making music with him forever. 

“It’s probably Felix. He’s been texting me too.”

“Really? About what?” he tries his best to sound nonchalant, but Changbin knows him too well.

“Some game on Saturday. He wants us to come and I bet he asked the others too,” Changbin puts his own phone away and Chan tries not to read too much into the pinch of his brows or the sudden fumbling with his own headphones.

He sighs. “Do you wanna go?” 

Changbin just shrugs his shoulders. “Don’t know. I doubt that will suddenly fix everything.”

The word makes Chan’s skin crawl.  _ Everything _ . It makes the sense of failure that has been accompanying him for the past months grow bigger again, his attempts at pushing it into some deep dark corner futile. He had brought them all together, he shouldn’t have allowed for it all to fall apart like this. 

Whenever he composes music or works on his assignments or cooks dinner or tries to sleep, he keeps wondering if he could have prevented it. Thinks about the oscar-worthy shouting match Hyunjin and Minho had had and all of them witnessing it, like some helpless bystanders in a gone-wrong boxing match. The weeks following it up, Chan trying to coax it out of them and every mean thing they had said to keep him away.

The memories feel like a little too much to bear right now, so Chan chooses to put his headphones back in, letting his own music drown them out.

-

“Jeongin will be there.”

Felix’ character gets knocked out on the screen. He pouts and restarts the game as he lets Seungmin fill him in on the exact answers he received up until now. It’s not much, the only actual confirmations now being Changbin and Jeongin. The others haven’t bothered replying yet, and his hopes for an actual reunion plummet by the minute.

“Maybe we should kidnap their loved ones and bring them to the game.”

“Like some bad Goblet of Fire reenactment?”

Felix laughs at that, grabs a handful of chips and throws them at Seungmin, who protests loudly and drops his phone in surprise. He grumbles unhappily and picks it up, curling into a ball and kicking Felix’ leg with his dancing-puppy-socked-feet. 

Just then, they hear the jingle of his notification alert, some badly cropped Day6 song Felix had begged him to change multiple times. 

“Oh.”

Felix hums in question, pausing the game when he doesn’t get an answer. Seungmin just holds out his phone to him, a stream of notifications showing.

_ Jisung [08.47pm] _

_ Minho and me will be there. _

  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry if you got multiple chapter update mails for this, AO3 and me had a bit of a fight, but now it should be working! :D
> 
> Welcome back guys and thank you so much for the comments and kudos on the first chapter! I'm really glad you liked the beginning and I would love to hear what you think of this part! 
> 
> Thanks again for betaing @alittlesen0ugh!
> 
> [Teaser Video](https://twitter.com/AudreyRoscoe/status/1318189941126516737?s=19)

The weather is absolute shit. It’s not like Jeongin expected better conditions for the game, since the best the last few days have given them had been huge, grey rain clouds. This morning they had decided to let their contents pour all over the playing field, making the bleachers slippery and disgusting to sit on. Jeongin feels the wetness soaking his pants despite the rain coat he’s wearing and shudders at the cold sensation, catching Felix’ attention. The boy spares him a sympathetic smile, shivering himself “I don’t think I can stay til the end if it keeps raining like this." 

“I will move back to Australia if it keeps freezing like this.” They both look up in surprise at the sound of Chan’s voice, watching him sit down next to Felix, bundled up in layers of black. He has his hoodie pulled up over his head, curls spilling down his forehead. 

Jeongin tries to ignore the bags under his eyes,” Didn’t know you would come, hyung.” Chan shrugs at that, pointing at someone who’s carefully but determinedly fighting his way through the crowd, “He interrupted our studio session for it”. He tries his best to sound casual and it makes Jeongin feel warm, the way he’s still trying to keep the mood up in the group, despite everything. He sees the same expression mirrored in Felix’ eyes, who must be missing the constant presence of their group leader more than any of them.

Changbin joins them a few seconds later, pushing a soggy bag of fries into Chan’s hand, “Stop sulking, hyung. We can still go back after this.” He looks around their group, raising his eyebrows, “I thought hyung and Jisung wanted to come too?”

He’s met with a round of awkward stares and shrugs, Seungmin taking the seat next to Jeongin with two drinks, handing him one, “If they won’t show up in the next few minutes, they’re definitely gonna miss the start.” 

Jeongin sighs at that, sipping his drink, a smile blooming on his face at the taste. Seungmin actually managed to talk the employee into mixing Sprite, Cola and Fanta for him. He leans his head on his shoulder, Seungmin adjusting his posture to make him more comfortable. “Hyunjin didn’t tell you anything about joining, right? He didn’t reply to the text.”

Jeongin just shakes his head. He hasn’t seen Hyunjin since they took the pictures and hasn’t heard from him since yesterday morning, so there’s not much hope in him that he plans on coming here. It’s been happening for weeks, Hyunjin calling him up to meet at random coffee shops or clothing stores. They always take pics of each other, rarely together, and their conversation topics stay superficial too. Hyunjin tells him about his studies, his sister or his parents’ new business deal, but doesn’t tell him why his smile hasn’t been able to cover the lack of emotions on his face. He sighs and pushes his face into the crook of Seungmin’s neck, drowning out the thoughts.

The game starts and they all watch the players swarm onto the field, Felix asking why they didn’t choose the actual gym to play in, while Seungmin and Chan huddle up to him. Jeongin decides to steal their conjoined warmth, cuddling even closer, Changbin quickly doing the same, hiding his face in Chan’s shoulder. It feels comfortable like this, like they all decided to forget about their fights, watching a game like they always used to, talking shit about bad passes or the referee’s decisions. They all know it runs deeper than that, isn’t as easily fixed, but Jeongin decides he will let himself have this. At least for now. 

Their comfortable silence is broken when Changbin lets out a startled yelp, almost losing his balance and risking falling face first from the bleachers. Chan manages to catch him, grabbing the edge of his jacket and keeping him steady while twisting his body to look at the mop of dark hair, currently buried in Changbin’s neck. Jisung giggles at the cries of outrage, hopping away from Changbin’s angry swats and hiding behind Minho, who spares him a sympathetic smile. 

“Didn’t know you still planned on coming,” Seungmin comments and it’s obvious that he’s trying to keep the bite out of his voice, but Minho’s grimace of a smile is enough to show that he failed. “Well, we are here now, no?” With that, he sits down next to Changbin, pulling Jisung next to them.

His presence is what sobers them up, the spell broken, and they all subconsciously shuffle away from each other, creating spaces again.

“Who’s winning?” Minho asks, as if he hadn’t noticed the silence, looking at Chan questioningly. Jeongin watches him open and close his mouth and then shrug his shoulders, obviously not having paid attention to the game as much. None of them had. 

Minho just laughs at that, shaking his head and deciding to take a nap on Jisung’s lap, stretching out his legs on the bleachers. Jeongin wonders why he even bothered to come.

The rest of the game passes by in a blur, all of them shouting the occasional cheers but Jeongin notices quickly that he can’t bring himself to really get into it. He, just like Felix and Seungmin, had hoped for this to actually get them to feel like an actual unit again or at least get them to talk. Despite the physical closeness, no one seems eager on closing the gap between them. He should have known that it was little more than wishful thinking. 

When the final whistle blows and the game ends with an unsatisfactory win for the opposing team, they slowly get up, all of them more or less drenched in the weird drizzle the rain had turned into during the past hour. Their clothes started to stick to them like a second layer of skin about half an hour ago and it’s getting past any point of comfort. 

They all leave the bleachers shortly after the players left themselves, trying their best not to slip on the stone steps leading them away from the field.

Jeongin is about to ask Seungmin for a lift home when Changbin catches his attention, the boy offering Felix his thicker jacket, barely looking at him as he does. The weird feeling he has had with Hyunjin flares up at that, his skin prickling with it. He still has trouble placing it, but watches Felix’ expression become cloudy at Changbin’s refusal to meet his gaze, even when he clutches the jacket around him tightly. He seems to take a moment to compose himself, before he casts his glance around at the others and smiles “Thanks for coming everyone. It was nice to do that again”. He receives a round of nods, a few affirmative hums, and when nothing else follows, his smile slips from his lips as quickly as it came. 

Jeongin notices the distance they all keep, now that they aren’t forced to sit closely. Changbin and Chan look about ready to leave, Minho and Jisung talk as if they hadn’t arrived at all, while Felix and Seungmin just look at Jeongin like they don’t know what else to do or say here.

“Well,” Minho claps his hands, smiling brightly at them. “It was lovely catching up,” his voice is dripping with sarcasm. “Sungie and me are gonna go back because there’s take-out sushi waiting for us. Which, to be honest, seems a little more inviting than this stuffy atmosphere here.” He laughs and it’s only because Jeongin has known him for so long that he manages to catch the hint of pain in his voice. 

It’s only when he actually turns away from them to leave that he notices the person walking up to them, rooting him to the spot immediately. It feels a little like a cheap movie scene, the way they stand in front of each other now, as if ready to grab their swords and duel.

“I guess I’m too late,” Hyunjin says easily, addressing the whole group, but his eyes stay firmly fixed on Minho.

Minho scoffs at him. “The game is over. We’re going home.” He tries to grab Jisung and leave, but stops in his tracks when something catches his attention. “What the fuck happened to your arm?” Jeongin is confused until he notices the rips in Hyunjin’s dress shirt, a gash on his arm that makes him bristle. He doesn’t have to guess where it comes from, knowing how careless Hyunjin is while riding that stupid motorcycle.

Hyunjin raises his eyebrows at him, cocking his head, “You care about me being hurt? That’s a first.”

It’s like their entire group holds their breath collectively for a moment. There isn’t much that is clear about the entire fall out, but there’s one thing they can all agree on: Besides Minho and Hyunjin, no one knows what actually happened. They fought and it had all gone downhill from there, other little fights erupting between all of them, like some twisted domino effect. 

Jeongin watches Minho’s jaw clench, an ugly kind of snarl on his lips. “Is it? Is that what you think? That I didn’t care?” 

Hyunjin smiles. “Just like you didn’t care about me liking Hyejin back then.”

“Not my fault she wasn’t in love with you. You should have just backed off,” Minho says and confirms what they all had been thinking, that their fight was kickstarted by them falling for the same girl.

Hyunjin’s smile slips off at that, his dark eyebrows furrowed, “Are you seriously gonna blame everything on me now? That’s been the easiest way out for you the whole time, wasn’t it?” 

“Shut the fuck up, you know I didn’t want that,” Minho snarls back, taking a step forward as if ready to jump on Hyunjin.

Jeongin looks at the others and is glad that he doesn’t seem to be the only one slowly losing track of the conversation. Felix stares at Chan, as if prompting him to do something, but the older just looks increasingly more uncomfortable by the second.

“Guys, let’s stop this, I don’t think it's gonna get us anywhere,” he starts, but Minho interrupts him, “No! I wanna hear him say it. Do you seriously think I wanted to do that?”

“Do what?” Jeongin hears Changbin mumble almost inaudibly, but Hyunjin seemed to have picked up on it anyway. He flicks his hair out of his face, pushing the strands behind his ears when they stubbornly fall back, “None of your business.” He directs his gaze at Minho. “And no. I don’t. But I would have liked it if you had been a bit more mature about it all.”

Weirdly enough, this makes Minho smile, the same twisted version from before. “You know what I would have liked?” He waits for just a moment, Hyunjin’s prompting gaze becoming more sceptical by the second. “For you to just fucking ignore me back then. I wasn’t your fucking sob story to take pity on.”

Hyunjin’s face falls at that and for the first time in weeks, Jeongin feels like there’s an actual real emotion on his face. Sadness.

His voice is quiet when he asks, “You think I did it out of pity?”

Minho scoffs, but he can’t seem to bring himself to look at Hyunjin anymore. “You’re not giving me much reason to think anything else.”

With that, he stalks off and Jeongin knows he tries his best not to look like he wants to get away from them as fast as possible, but his steps are too hurried, posture too stiff.

They all look at Hyunjin, who looks like someone punched him. Jeongin takes a step forward, like he’s closing in on a scared animal, but Hyunjin just shakes his head. He opens his mouth to say something but decides against it. They watch him turn away from them and when no one makes any effort to stop him, he takes off. 

Jeongin feels his skin crawl with uneasiness. He feels, more than ever before, like they failed any chance at fixing this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any guesses on what happened?   
> Now that we got the introductions into this mess done, let's dig deeper into it in the next chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Comments would mean the world to me hehe 
> 
> Find and yell at me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AudreyRoscoe) please!


End file.
